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[40K] Marneus Calgar’s Barmy Army: Calgar’s Kidney Stone (part 1)

23/12/2014 in Warhammer 40K

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Marneus Calgar’s Barmy Army: Calgar’s Kidney Stone

A Warhammer 40,000 parody by NoPoet

Synopsis: Gasp and vomit your way through this insulting, lavatory-humour farce in which the Lord Calgar, whom my Windows Surface tablet thinks should be called “Marines Calgary”, is menaced by a nasty kidney stone… oh, and an invasion of Nurgle. All Calgar wanted to do was use the toilet…

The Marneus Calgar’s Barmy Army Official Anthem

With special thanks to the track author, Dummy, and OC ReMix


Calgar’s Kidney Stone


Calgar’s Discomfitting Kidney Mishap


Marneus Calgar: A Profane, Blasphemous and Intelligence-Insulting Anecdote of One Man’s Unfortunate Circumstance



Welcome to Macragge, home to the most pious Imperial servants: an entire Chapter of devout warrior-monks, heroic noblemen whose lives are constantly on the line so trillions of robe-wearing minions can scribe things that someone else chucks in the bin. Macragge is a rocky and cold world, a place where dwell men of legend… and their glorious leader, Marneus Calgar.

“OW!” roared Lord Calgar from his uncompromising squat on the Crapper of Macragge. “My fething piles are playing up. They’re throbbing like alien brains in a B-movie.”

“Then stop sitting down with a thump, sir!” Dick called from outside the door. “Remember what the apothecary said: don’t provoke the piles!

“I’ll provoke the little bastards when I pop them with a power sword and cauterise them with a hand flamer! Even if it itches like a fething bitch, it will be a blessed relief compared to this! I feel like I stuck my arse in a nerve glove set to ‘exterminatus’. Or maybe ‘exterminanus’.”

“My Lord?”

“It was bawdy lavatory humour, Bannerman. You can feel free to laugh.”

“Oh,” Dick said. “Ha. Ha.”

“Nobody ever gets my jokes,” said Marneus Calgar as the toilet strained beneath his podgy rolls. “You know something, Number Two? These aren’t just piles. They’re rancid visitations. Every time I try to push, I get a stabbing pain in my lower back.”

“You might be wiping too hard, sir,” Dick offered. “We can hear bog roll tearing and shuffling in there for twenty minutes every time you have a crap. It’s bound to play havoc with your ring region.”

“You may be right, Number Two,” Calgar conceded. “Oh, speaking of bog roll, some silly tosser used the last of my Andrex. Fetch us a couple of rolls, will you?”

“Which kind, my Lord?”

“Er… natural pebble, because their marketing executives called it that with a straight face. Fair play to them, their will is clearly stronger than mine. And tell the lads to stop pinching it, I’m supposed to be the only person who comes in here at stopping-off time.”

“You are the only person who goes in there, you big fat bog-roll wasting bell end,” Dick muttered as he headed for the pantry, where Calgar hid his Andrex.

“Oh, and Number Two?” Calgar said.

“You shouldn’t really use that nickname when you’re in there, sir,” Bannerman said, coming back. “I never actually know if it’s me you’re talking to.”

“I do apologise, Dick. I’m only the Chapter Master of the Ultramarines, who am I to address my underlings in the manner of my choosing?”

“What is it, sir?” said Dick, wisely changing tack.

“Can you explain to me the function of Lyman’s ear?”

“Er, no, to be honest. Do you still want that toilet roll? Only, Milo and I are organising a Forza tournament -”

“The Lyman’s Ear, you great blasphemous tit, allows me to hear everything you say within a football field’s radius, even above the constant, squeaking, gaseous emanation of my ablutions. So the next time you accuse me of wasting toilet roll, get ready for the nerve glove, pain level ‘Listening to the theme tune of classic British sitcom Dear John through headphones, on constant repeat, for five hours, without alcohol or other anaesthetic’.”

“Anything but that!” Dick cried. “My apologies, Lord Calgar. I’ll attend to your toilet roll emergency at once.”

TOOT! replied the Lord Calgar’s arsehole. It echoed for some seconds, trapped between a clogged u-bend and Calgar’s fat, spotty backside.

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[40K] World Eaters (part 2)

20/10/2014 in Warhammer 40K

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A Warhammer 40,000 story by LoneLictor

Chapter Two
One Of My Turns

Beneath the ironclad boots of Lord Kaalek of the World Eaters 3rd Company, corpses squelched.

Many of Lord Kaalek’s brethren had seldom put much thought in their daemonic allegiances. They just saw Chaos as a means to an end; the Pleasure God would empower them to indulge every whim and desire, while the Blood God would empower them to strike down their enemies with inhuman strength. The Rot Lord and the Change Lord would empower them to truly live, driving them to greater and greater heights. These Astartes, which were especially prevelant among the Undivided Legions, rarely considered the perspective and thoughts of the Gods. Many didn’t believe the Gods to be sentient at all, viewing them as forces of nature. “The warp”, they called it, not Chaos. No, just “the warp”. Even those who acknowledged the Gods referred to them by mortal names with shocking disrespect. “Khorne,” they said, as if a single syllable could express all that the Blood God was.

Kaalek was not one of these Astartes. When the Blood God had first whispered to the World Eaters, Kaalek hadn’t immediately consigned himself to damnation. He refused to act as mindlessly as the men under his command did, allying themselves with Chaos without even the slightest understanding of what it was. Kaalek had required persuasion.

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[40K] The Rising Tide of Filth (40K version)

27/09/2013 in Warhammer 40K

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057.M36 Founding of the Angels Vigilant

Positioned towards the galactic north-west, defending an obscure approach into Imperial space from the Eye of Terror, a thousand brothers were born into ignorance and fear. The forges of the False Emperor provided us with fine wargear with which we pursued a hopeless mission: to stem the wrath of the Gods themselves.

066.M36 The Order of Carrion

Traitors attacked our Chapter’s recruiting worlds. Plague began to break out among the human populace. This was no physical illness. This was a contamination of the will, of the spirit, which turned great men into hateful wretches and devout warrior-priests into faithless prophets of doom. Great indeed was the shame of this time. Yet our Chapter endured.

We did not know it at the time but we were marked for greatness by a Power older and more wicked than the False Emperor of Terra. Not a single Angel Vigilant fell to the plague. We seemed, to the hopeless, embattled populace, to be upright, untouchable warriors of vengeance as we blazed bolter fire into the hordes of plague zombies. Little did the civilians know of our desperate, miserable battles against daemons, or the Great Unclean Thing that killed half a battle company, along with two of our treasured Predator tanks, on its own.

We remembered this display of might and later we would view our lost brothers as a sacrifice to the Grandfather… an appeasement… a downpayment on immortality for those of us who survived.

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[20K] Revised 20K Timeline (updated April 2013)

17/03/2013 in 20K, Imp Lit News

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20K is the unofficial Warhammer 40,000 prequel series which I have been working on for a number of years. There are two “phases” to 20K and three “series” of stories.

The early stages of 20K, where humanity is emerging from its safe bases in Solar Segment and beginning to explore the galaxy, hoping to make contact with the fabled One Hundred Worlds. Human technology is limited and humanity begins to learn that alien races are generally hostile and untrustworthy.

A more confident and technically proficient

The following is a rough timeline including every 20K story that I am writing or plan to write. I have tried to remove as many spoilers as possible. Note that the timeline is subject to change and is undergoing constant revision.
This is “phase one” of 20K, a desperate time of derring-do. Phase 2, if I ever get that far, has a more mature and more adventurous tone with less of the grimness and grittiness of some of the earlier stories. Look for the crossovers and in-jokes as they appear. Fans of 40K as well as fans of general science fiction should find lots to be happy about.
Please ignore any repetitions or minor mistakes, this is the beta version and I already have the events right in my mind.
40K’s mysterious and exciting history finally comes to life in tales of terror and adventure. Join the brave human pioneers of the Terran Empire as they begin their expansion into a galaxy where anything is possible.
FRL = Fearless series
EW = Earthwatch series
SOL = Solstice series
Stories which do not have a series designation are independent stories (in TV parlance they would be “bottle shows”)
NOTE: Significant information is (deliberately) missing from the following timeline! Dates and events are subject to change.
20K Date Timeline
Date Unknown – The Eldar race has become factionalised by hedonism and decadence. Illegal fighting contests and worship of the proscribed god Khaine slowly overtake the fabled city-state of Commoranth, the City of Souls.
Date Unknown – A Chinasian colony receives human visitors who claim to be from the future. These visitors, mighty warriors who say their home planet was destroyed in a cataclysmic war, lend their efforts to the colony’s Human Genhancement Project – with horrific results. (“Faithless”)-[NOTE: This story is currently in progress as of August 2013]
975.M21 – Starships of the Alneran Republic, a hostile alien species whose territory lies within Solar Segment, encounter a mysterious alien being and take him prisoner. The strange hostage escapes when a Terran Navy ship attacks the Alnerans; the being will later turn up in Terran space, where his strange behaviour confounds his human rescuers. (“The Man Without A Past”)-[NOTE: This story is currently in progress as of March 2013]
978.M21 – XMS Southern Cross encounters R’Shan, a member of an unidentified alien species who has been conducting unknown warp experiments within Terran space. (“The Man From Nowhere”)
978.M21 – The Fireblade prototype fighter begins its initial tests, intended to replace the Saxon class fighter. While on combat manoeuvres, a squadron of Fireblades falls foul of a renegade Eldar space fighter. (“Flight of the Fireblade”)
985.M21 – The Centaur class light cruiser is commissioned, intended as a gradual replacement for the legendary Canyon class.
985.M21 – The Terran Empire discovers the first known Warp Gate within Solar Segment.
986.M21 – XMS Ontario and XMS Lexington are sent to investigate the Warp Gate. During the mission, a previously unknown problem with the Ontario’s Gellar Shield hurls the ship into a time-travelling, galaxy-spanning adventure, during which humanity makes first contact with followers of the daemon god Nurgle. (“Ghostwalkers”) [NOTE: This story is currently being revised as of March 2013]
986.M21 – An expedition team of the Pan-Pacific Treaty, a coalition of coporations and nation-states who wish to remain independent of the Terran Empire, discovers a world belonging to the long-vanished Chinasian Bloc. The world has long been abandoned, but the expedition discovers disturbing evidence that the colonists had been conducting genetic experiments influenced by men who claimed to have travelled from the distant future – a time of terrible civil war. (“Legacy of the Future”)
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[40K] Shade of the Bazaar

21/08/2012 in Warhammer 40K

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This is my first post on this site. It’s fairly old, I wrote this over 2.5 years ago, I just happened to find a place to share it. Enjoy. Leave comments if you will, I am open minded to comments and criticism.


Isaias looked at the broken man under his shoe, a fine trickle of blood was all that remained of the torrent that been springing from the criminal’s neck only moments ago. He savored this moment of macabre justice, for he well knew that like last time, this sweet tang of bloodlust filling his veins would dissipate and force him into a withdrawal as it had countless times before.

He must find new prey to give chase in his endless hunt. His cravings subjugated it to their whims, and he knew full well that he was a helpless pawn in their ocean of desire. He no longer even attempted to resist the urge to destroy life as though it was an object of disgust. Yet every time Isaias slaughtered the worthless criminals some still considered humanity, crawling and allowed to fester like cancer in the lawless undercroft of Imperita – which the Arbites and Sororitas Zealots were too overwhelmed to hunt for themselves – he felt power bordering upon the supernatural. As though he could take a walk in the warp itself and have its denizens bow before him, he desired no other drug, or comfort that could bring similar arousal knowing that the Emperor allowed him to enjoy his work.

Mercifully, underneath the burning forges of Imperita where Korzack Satasian Law and Imperial Rule faded with the natural light of the star Lorkan V blasting the sterile earth above there was no end to the scum of the universe, and with it hardly a pause before he could savor the killing blow once more.
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The Trench

25/02/2011 in Warhammer 40K

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“Do you even know where the frutt we are, Sarge?”

Finnegan looked round wearily at Texas, not for the first time thinking about punching the guardsman in the face. “Why don’t you shut the frutt up, trooper,” he ordered, before turning to Bell, who was crouched beside him consulting a locator data-slate. “So,” Finnegan asked, “Where are we?”

“I dunno, Sarge,” replied Bell, “According to the map, this trench isn’t even supposed to be here.”

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[20K] Ghostwalkers

16/11/2009 in 20K

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“Mission log, XMS Ontario, triple-zero-double-oh-six, M20. We are approaching the hyper-gate and are preparing for translation. While our Mechanica contingent are excited about the upcoming journey, I can’t help but wonder whether the Ontario will make the translation intact. This is the first time a manned Navy ship will travel through the hyper-gate and there is no way to know for sure what will happen while we are under way.”

Captain Thorpe sat back in her chair, looking around the familiar space of her command cabin. These new cruisers were so cramped. She’d been pushing for her own ship and now she had finally received one – now the shipbuilding project was able to supply vessels for all Navy captains – she wished she’d been assigned one of the older types, perhaps the legendary Canyon class.

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09/11/2009 in Warhammer Fantasy

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Grotesque was aptly named. His flesh was an unhealthy shade that resembled wax, or the putrefaction of death. Bone hooks jutted from his back and gangly limbs, punched through his skin as crude jewelry. His back was exaggeratedly hunched, and his eyes—small, beady things—seemed almost luminescent.

It was almost time, now. The light-moon was gone tonight, he knew. But it was almost time that the dark-moon, the strong-moon, was to rise up. This was the night of purification. The Great One had promised a feast beyond compare.

Well, no. The Great One intended to feast beyond compare, was the truth. But his emissary, the man-of-death, he had promised that the bevy of scraps remaining would be all for Grotesque and his brethren. There was nothing in all the world that could stand in the Great One’s way, either, and so this promise of meat was one that was sure to be fulfilled. Grotesque and his like kept out of the Great One’s way as much as possible—at least, they did so after several of them had graced His teeth.

There! There was the first finger of the green light of Morrslieb on the horizon.

He and his kin kept onward through the forest. Woodsmoke drifted faintly on the air, though it was only Grotesque’s bestial sense of smell that let him detect it. It fired his imagination to higher imaginations of the desecrations they would enact, and the marrow that they would suck from splintered bones…

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Ghosts and Shadows

05/10/2009 in Original

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Dust trembles off his his overcoat in a torrential cascade, creating eddies across the ruined, rotting floor. His landing is hard, yet silent as he crosses the room, all but invisible in his cloak of shadows. I wait in my vantage point, as he instructed. I’m on crowd control, sat up in my crow’s nest and well stocked with blood packs. Deep down, I can feel something inside me screaming out the total insanity of this little scheme, but I suppose if any crazy son-bitch can pull this off, it’ll be The German. I reach down beside me, ripping the top off a bloodpack and raising it to my lips.


It’s almost haunting. All alone in this dusty, derelict apartment complex. Every slight movement, every little sound echoes. Everything. Except for my voice. With my heightened senses, I scan across the open parking lot. Every little detail is visible to me. I can see the chipped white lines marking spaces, count the thread spacing in the skid marks on the tarmac. Yet I still hear the car before I see it. The engine sputters a little before it dies down as a high performance sports car pulls into the lot. The owner obviously doesn’t want to fork out for the premium fuel such a machine deserves. Idiot.

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[20K] Pyramid

25/09/2009 in Warhammer 40K

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[Author’s note] This is a revised and slightly updated version of my story “Pyramid”, modified to bring it into line with my 20K universe.


Author: Albert Lamm
Location: ++ Location denied ++
Transmission Time: 210017/M20
Received: Saturn, Relay point 5


We recently received this transcript of an archaeological survey conducted in the Antax system, eighteen light-years from Earth. The data pad was damaged due to explosive decompression of the subject’s shuttle and we have therefore lost the first part of the recording. However, we do not believe that any vital information has been lost, as the earliest entries would most likely have been routine observations of the planet and its topographical features.

As you may recall, the Terran First Fleet discovered Antax only two years ago despite its proximity to Earth, shielded as it was by a radiation cloud of unknown properties whose dissipation prompted the discovery.

The survey team was a group of mostly Euro-Federation xeno-archaeologists, transported by the Centaur class cruiser XMS Dauntless. A small group of Empire Guard accompanied the dig. The Dauntless is still missing in action and until this document was recovered, no-one had heard anything from the expedition.

As of this moment, Solar Command is not aware that we have this information. I await instructions on how to proceed; the implications of this document are terrifying to say the least. I recommend destroying this document and putting the whole thing behind us.

The families of the expedition members would not thank us if we went public. I cannot imagine what they are going through while they believe their loved ones to be missing, but it is better than how they will feel if they find out what really happened. Frankly, the whole incident sickens me to my stomach, and makes me aware that our galaxy may be more hostile than previously believed.


Albert Lamm
Earthwatch Command
Extrasolar R&D

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