You are browsing the archive for 2010 December.

WAGS

23/12/2010 in Warhammer 40K

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WAGS

With a roar, the guardsmen erupted over their trench like a tide of Imperial righteousness, lasrifles hurling beams of burning death towards the approaching Ork horde.

The greenskins responded with defiant bellows, returning fire with their shootas as they pounded across the distance between them and the humans.

The two armies collided, man and ork battling to gain ground amidst the churned mud of the crater strewn battlefield, countless numbers from each army falling to die beneath the feet of their fellows.

On a hillock behind the trench lines of the Imperial Guard, the glint of field glass lenses marked the position of an engrossed observer.

“Oh, there he is! I can see his scarf!”

Juliana bounced excitedly in her folding chair, almost knocking her iced tea from the table with a kick from one of her expensive high heels.

Still holding up a pair of high-powered yet dainty binoculars, she flicked her immaculately styled hair away from her face, revealing features too smooth and perfect to be natural.

It paid to be the wife of an officer.

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That Raging Fire

19/12/2010 in Warhammer 40K

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This was hell. Men ran, screamed, fell, writhed, and then lay silent. Others charged forward, gun-muzzles spraying fire and receivers chattering and ejecting spent casings. Still others huddled in whatever scant cover they could find, whimpering or praying for God to save them.

But God, Samuel was convinced, could not hear their cries. He sat upon his gilded throne, a hundred thousand light-years away, slowly but surely rotting into nothing. His mind was occupied with other, more important matters. More important people. The screams of his most humble and loyal servants fell upon deaf ears.

The Imperial Guard was nothing to the God-Emperor. Samuel Jaekes was nothing to the God-Emperor. In the army of the Imperium, ordinary men fought battle after battle, and when their reservoir of luck had run out, they died. It was inevitable.

Sam was not an ordinary man, however. On the outside, he looked like one. He talked like an ordinary man, thought like an ordinary man, acted like an ordinary man. But just below the surface of his consciousness, a monster lay in wait, ready to break out when the time was right.

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Infestation

18/12/2010 in Warhammer 40K

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+++

The Arch-Iconoclast’s charred corpse, silhouetted by the morning light, jerked as the cargo servitor hoisted it onto public display. Jagged, multi-colored shards of glass—the shattered remnants of the Palacio Verdance’s largest stained glass window—framed the Iconoclast’s body.

The fighting had crushed and blasted to fragments the entrance hall’s priceless sculptures and trappings; fouled them with soot and ash; splattered them with blood, vomit, and other human effluents. The sweet smell of roasted meat still lingered in the air, mingling with that of burnt hair.

It was quiet. The storm that had descended upon this place had petered out. The winds of wrath and retribution had been spent, and the taint of the Arch-Iconoclast’s debased heresies had been washed away.

It was quiet, and that was good.

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by NoPoet

Marneus Calgar’s Barmy Army: 2010 Christmas Special

14/12/2010 in Warhammer 40K

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THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE TANITH FETH-WIT

XMAS 2008: Marneus Calgar ruins a perfectly good Christmas poem. The new version of this poem is relentlessly copied, thereby plagiarizing the plagiarism.

XMAS 2009: Geri Halliwell bursts out of Marneus Calgar’s present. Lord Calgar poos his pants in front of the entire Ultramarines Chapter, bringing back memories for English football player and presenter Gary “Big-Eared Walkers Crisps Frontman” Lineker, who recently revealed that he shat himself during an England Match in 1990.

XMAS 2010: The most pointless, Abnett-baiting bullshit yet, which means the story will likely suffer one of two fates: 1) Removal from Imperial Literature. 2) A court battle for plagarism and/or defamation. 3) Jervis Johnson will come to my house and batter me.* Notice how subtly I said “two fates” and then gave it three?

*For non-Brits, to batter someone means to assault them, not smother them in congealed fat like some sort of monstrous cod.

* * *
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